Around and around on the “who is right” roundabout.
Do you find yourselves stuck in endless debates with your partner, trying to prove who's right? Let's break free! In conflict, remember: two perspectives coexist. In couples' conflicts, we often find ourselves caught in a tug-of-war, each trying to validate our own perspective. But let's take a different approach. Imagine a captivating dance where two partners gracefully move together, each bringing their unique steps and rhythms. They don't seek to convince the other of their dance; instead, they find harmony in the blend of their individual styles.
Similarly, in relationships, we must recognize that we each have our own dance—our unique perspectives are shaped by our experiences, beliefs, and emotions. Just as two dancers contribute to the beauty of the performance, two perspectives contribute to the richness of a relationship.
Instead of aiming to convince your partner that your viewpoint is the only truth, let's explore two vital steps to foster connection.
First, help your partner understand your experience without imposing it as the ultimate reality. By sharing your perspective openly and authentically, you create an opportunity for empathy and mutual understanding. Acknowledge that both of you have valid viewpoints shaped by your unique histories, beliefs, and emotions. This approach lays the foundation for productive dialogue and connection.
Secondly, express how your partner's behavior or actions made you feel. The key is to use non-accusatory language that focuses on your emotions rather than placing blame. For example, say, "When you did X, it made me feel Y." By using "I" statements, you invite your partner to see the impact of their actions from your perspective. This approach helps to reduce defensiveness and allows for a deeper exploration of emotions and intentions.
On the flip side, if your partner approaches you after feeling upset about something, it's essential to respond with empathy and understanding. Validate their emotions and express remorse if your actions were unintentionally hurtful. Phrases such as "I can understand how you may have felt like that, and I want you to know it wasn't my intention. I am sorry" create space for healing and reassurance.
Self-awareness is the cornerstone of effective conflict resolution. To communicate your feelings and reactions to your partner, take the time to explore how you truly feel and understand the underlying reasons for your reactions. It requires practice and self-reflection to develop this level of self-awareness, but the effort is worth it in creating a more harmonious relationship.
As the renowned therapist, Esther Perel beautifully puts it, "Change starts to happen when you come in saying what you did differently." Instead of continuously pointing fingers and hoping for your partner to change, focus on your own actions and responses. By embracing a new approach, you can pave the way for positive transformations within your relationship. The beauty of this shift is that when one person changes, it influences positive change in the other.
Remember, if you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting the same results. So, dare to try something different the next time you experience conflict with your partner. Embrace open communication, empathy, and self-awareness. Through this journey of growth, you'll forge a deeper connection and build a more fulfilling partnership.